I have debated over the last few days whether I wanted to write this post or not. It really opens my life up to you all and you might not think as much of me after getting a little insight into my life. I may just delete this whole post after I’m done writing it. But at least I’ll have it out of my head. Do you ever do that? Have something in your head that you need to get down on paper (or the ‘puter) and it just won’t let you rest until you do?

I have been thinking alot lately about Soul Connections. What causes one soul to connect to another?

Sunday morning, I lay in bed thinking about all the things I had to do that day.   Sunday is my mom’s Bingo day so I take her to that and then  while she’s there, I do her grocery shopping and clean her house.

Anyway, as I lay there thinking about how I dreaded being out in the almost freezing rain outside, I heard my ex leave the house and get his bike out of the garage. He cannot drive since he has lost his driver’s license. This is where my life gets complicated and you may think of me as trash. My ex who had been in jail for multiple DUI’s moved back into the house last Fall when he got out. I didn’t want him too but I didn’t have much of a choice. The house is in both of our names. I had no cause to put a restraining order on him as he has never been abusive. And he needed a place to stay. So he came back. And we live as roommates. He does pay the mortgage payment which has helped out a lot. We aren’t enemies  but we rarely talk at all unless it’s some house hold or kid thing that needs to be addressed. We have no physical contact. So in other words, pretty much the same way it was when we were married.  I hate having him here, it feels like my life is in limbo but financially I’m not in any position to move out yet, specially with kids still at home.

Anyway, as I lay there and listened to the father of my children get out his bike, and pedal the 4 miles away in freezing rain and rough wind, just to see his girlfriend, I realized I never had a soul connection to him. He does have one with his girlfriend, who is still in jail. When I first married “Stan”, I made excuses as to why he never remembered my birthday, or thought of me at Christmas or Mother’s Day. I said he was just quiet and it wasn’t his nature to show his feelings and talk. I felt sad about all of this and felt like I was in half of a marriage but I consoled myself by saying this was just the way Stan was. He loved me in his own way. I realized when I found all of his love letters to his girlfriend that he wasn’t really that closed up and quiet. He just was with me. I think I was almost as upset about finding out that he really was capable of a loving relationship as I was about the cheating. I then had to wonder what was so wrong with me that he couldn’t open up to me like that? I dealt with self blame for awhile along with anger towards him for destroying our family and our marriage. I have come to realize that his girlfriend is his soul mate. They have a soul connection that he and I never had. It must suck to be married to someone and suddenly meet the person you were meant to be with. I have forgiven him. I would never take him back (not that he even wants that) but I have forgiven him. And I envy him in a way even though he has totally screwed up his life. He has found his soul mate. I don’t think I ever will.

I believe we can have soul connections with more than one person and they don’t have to be in a romantic relationship with you. You probably have a soul connection with your best friend. Haven’t you met someone that you immediately felt a connection to, almost like you had known them all of your life? And then there’s those who try as you might, you can never feel close to or sometimes even  like. Most people we come in conntact with fall in the middle. The magic comes when you make one of those soul connections to someone of the opposite sex, who you are attracted to, and you are both available. That doesn’t seem to happen very often. My parents had that kind of relationship and were true soul mates. Consider yourself lucky if you get the chance to have a relationship such as this. It’s hard to find. I often wonder what it is in our soul that connects that way to another soul.

Ok, I feel better now. It felt good to get that out. I hope you don’t think too badly of me for being in a mess like this with an ex who was a jail bird. Please know that I live in a normal middle class  house. I am college educated and come from a nice, upper middle class family.  I have tried to raise my kids properly. Unfortunately one of them struggles with alcoholism like her father, and has made some poor choices, even though she is doing  better now. All of my children have trust issues with the people they date and do not ever wish to marry. I feel so bad about that as I know it’s due to seeing the marriage their father and I had.  I wish I could turn back the clock and change some things but until they get that old time/space continuum thing figured out, I guess I’m stuck trying to make the best of poor choices made long ago. It helps to have outlets such as this, and several close friends to talk things out with.

Here’s to you having many soul connections and one soul mate!

P.S. I almost forgot my life tip.  We have a doggy door that is a must if you have 4 dogs. The downside is when the weather gets cold, the mice come inside looking for a warm place to stay. I tried the live traps, with little success, the sticky traps that work but just aren’t humane and finally just use the regular old mouse traps that seem to do the trick. When they do come in, before you catch them, to keep them out of my cupboards and drawers, I found several things that they really hate. Both are smelly. The first is moth balls. Mice hate moth balls. Unfortunately I don’t like having my home smell like my grandma’s closet. I also found that mice don’t like the smell of peppermint either. So I got some peppermint oil (don’t get it on your hands as the pure stuff will actually numb you), put in spray bottle and spray the insides of my drawers and cabinets. It smells nicer than moth balls and works just as well.

P.P.S. Quote for the day:  Do one thing every day that scares you! Anonymous